Confusing inadequacy with risk aversion…..
Posted by Leeb - 06/11/08 at 10:11:14 pmToday was a day when I thought myself better than I actually was. The wind was about a 5 knot Nor’wester and my boat [small ship of 45tons] was sitting by the dockway having been inserted into the drink the day before by crane…
Along side wharf and cranes
Easy task to manoevre her back to her berth? “Should be -you’ve done it before!” said my internal all-conquering voice…..just to put things into perspective - “done it before” was approx 6 months ago when she was a heavier laden vessel with more weight on the stern and a big bulb on the bow to keep her straight, and a dead calm day.
OK to cut a story short - I started the engine [my other voice was saying "nooooooooo- get help....you're not good enough, you'll fail"] etc etc…..engine running we cast off her stern line….then the bow line……oops…I was out of my depth now.
The boat is 60′ long….the distance from the wharf to A-Pier end post is about 70′ hmmm not too much room to play “lets-see-how-she-handles-with-all-the-weight-and-bulb-and ballast-removed” in amongst all these nice shiny and expensive yachts with 10′ clearance to spare.
The story goes on….I had no helm control, she wouldn’t answer conventional bum-walking prop stuff…..and oh yeah the bow was now off in the wind going where it damn well pleased…..I was somehwat concerned to say the least….I [asked] 
for a stern line to be put back on……just in time……
She swung round 180 perfectly in the breeze and lay along side the wharf….on with the bow line and off went the engine!
I felt pretty low at this point…..why couldn’t I just drive my 45t 60′ [unstable-cos-she-is-in-partial-refit] boat to her berth in this breeze? The answer was of course ‘experience’…I just wasn’t born with the skills to pilot a boat of this size…I have to learn. I have driven her 3 times now….once from Australia to NZ [on the autopilot in big wide open seas with no-one to hit!] and a couple of little trips under supervision….
I suffer from beating myself up over my not being able to live up to my own expectations! I wonder how many other people do/feel this? And….because I fail to live up to my expectations - I sometimes feel inadequate. Of course this is ridiculous….skills have to be learned….and I learned the difference today between feeling inadequate for a task or ‘afraid I might fail’ scenario, and a geniune ‘risk aversion’ warning put out by my subconcious…..a lesson learned well today - although this could have been incredible expensive in both financial terms and credibility….
In the end I phoned my great friend Captain Ron Palmer to assist my little excursion - to my surprise [and his] even this man of 1000’s of hours of BIG SHIP [10,000tons+] experience had a few problems handling her!
Great job Ron for putting her in the berth!
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